Cleansing

A trend that appears to have hit the mainstream a few years ago and has been around since at least the 1930's, cleansing is the process of restricting one’s diet to one or two - usually bizarre - foods for a period of time in order to “get the bad stuff out” of the body. It sounds great (and a little bit like folk healing), right? Right.

“But DW,” you say, “it helps some people feel better about their body image and may even get them on track to a healthy lifestyle! Why do you hate fat people? And children?”

While I hate children because they’re small, egomaniacal disease factories who need attention, I don’t actually hate fat people. Quite the opposite in fact. Getting in shape and improving one’s health are a worthwhile pursuit and something to advocate. That said, "cleansing” in order to purify your body and/or drop large amounts of weight are not only worthless, but dangerous.

The face of a monster

Why? Because “cleansing” does nothing for your body aside from starve it of essential nutrients and cause your metabolic system to feed on muscle mass and other parts of your body that you use and, you know, need. In short, there is absolutely no science behind the process of cleansing.

The creator of possibly the most popular cleanse, the Master Cleanse, is Stanley Burroughs. Burroughs, who was also known as Aaron Hayes, was nothing more than a snake-oil salesman. And when I say "nothing more" I mean he was a felon, murderer and apparently a nudist.

Ladies...

Drinking “Spicy Lemonade” or eating nothing but grapefruit for a week or two in order to fit into that dress is worthless because it isn’t making your body any healthier. Further, once you stop cleansing, you’ll put all of the weight back on. What’s the point? Starve your body, be miserable and gain all the weight back. It appears "cleansers" have been had.

Possibly the worst part about cleansing is that it is promoted but a multimillion dollar industry that flaunts pseudoscience and trots out “doctors” that have qualifications equivalent to Dr. Spaceman’s degree from the Ho Chi Minh City School of Medicine. I love capitalism, but it’s morally repulsive to make millions of dollars by endangering the lives of people who are honestly trying to get into better shape.

Comforting

So people, if you want to get in shape do what I did: diet, exercise and sleep more.

To cleansing, the 21st century descendant of ritual folk healing!

- DW

Latte Art

Now I know you're all thinking "DW, you're brand new.  You're trying to make a name for yourself.  You could have chosen something more substantive to write about than 'Latte Art'...", and you're right.

But...

Look at the picture at the top of this article?  Doesn't it just scream "pretentious douche was here"??

And that's what this blog is all about: Finding the absurd and useless things about our culture and tearing them to shreds.

Now back to the foam scribbling.

I first became aware of latte art when I joined Instagram (expect an "Instagram" post at some point).  I couldn't go 4 or 5 pictures without seeing a picture like the one above.  "How cute", I thought "all these people have the same creative and outgoing barista". What I chalked up to happenstance, however, turned out to be a massive and sprawling subculture within the barista community. They even have a World Championship for this sort of thing.

Now normally, I'm not one to criticize hard work, or critique talent (goodness knows I'm not that talented), and some of the designs are actually pretty dang cool.  But, as happens to so many things that might have been cool, the people behind this stuff take themselves so damned seriously that you can't help but mock.

Take this website for example.  Just a small selection of the readings will tell you how seriously these people take themselves:

"We are about to introduce you to the most complex and difficult design you have ever done as a latte artist. This truly is where all of your skills come together to make latte art magic. We are going to make a Phoenix in a cup using the pour alone ... Get ready to dive into your greatest project as a latte artist yet"

Seriously?  You're pouring hot milk into (usually extraordinarily overpriced) coffee. Let's try to tone it down.


Consider the following, from the latte art wikipedia entry (yes, there's such a thing):

"Some controversy exists within the coffee community as to whether or not there is excessive focus on latte art amongst baristas. The argument is that too much focus on the superficial appearance of a drink leads some to ignore more important issues, such as taste."

Philosophical handwringing over milk art? Come on now.


And don't construe this as some kind of attack on baristas... I have family and friends who work(ed) in the java industry. I don't have any problems with taking pride in your work, but let's not pretend this is some kind of brain surgery.

To latte art, the worthless, nonalcoholic cousin of "flair bartending"!

- DW