Decorative Towels

What women see...

I want you all to close your eyes and... wait, if you closed your eyes, you couldn't read this...

Nevermind.

Okay, just read this and bear with me:  Think of an item you use every day. Where do you keep this item?  In your pocket? Near you? Probably somewhere logical, like next to the place where you tend to use that item the most.

Now imagine you need to use that item.

But you can't.  At least, not that particular item.

As it turns out, you own several items identical in form and function to the item in question, but they're usually in places other than the most convenient location for the item in question. Isn't it annoying to have to go out of your way to get an item to use, when there is a perfectly good item to use right within arm's reach?

Welcome to the dilemma of the decorative towel.

Fun story: At least once a week, I take a shower, and forget to grab a towel.  Sometimes, I'll luck out and remember before I get in.  However, sometimes, I'll find myself, at the end of the shower, standing there in the tub dripping, realizing I've forgotten the ONLY thing that is truly necessary when it comes to showering.  I'll then walk past no less than 2 decorative towels to get a clean, regular-use towel, by which time I'm already cold, and mostly dry.

What men see.

But does the thought of using the decorative towel ever enter my mind?  No.  And why?  Because men have been conditioned, over the decades (centuries?) that decorative towels have plagued our lives existed, to never EVER use these towels, under threat of either death, or, even worse, annoyance of wife.  We're simultaneously pissed and mystified.  We're... pisstfied.  Yes, I did just create a word.

...that you remember to never use the fancy towels ever again!

And what's more infuriating about the decorative towel is where they decorate.  It's a freaking bathroom.  Do you know what goes on in a bathroom most of the time?  Nothing worth decorating, that's for sure.  Notice that this blog post isn't about decorative window treatments, or dining table centerpieces, or coffee table books. Because those things are PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED IN HIGH-TRAFFIC AREAS.  Who is coming into my master bathroom to admire the scenery?

Even more confusing?  The rare "hand towel/decorative towel on-the-same-rack" combination. Which one is which?  Which one can I use?  Are they both decorative? Can I dry my hands on the handtowel, but not my body on the bath towel?  If not, why not? AND WHY AM I THINKING THIS HARD ABOUT FREAKING TOWELS?!

Let's see what the dictionary has to say about decorative towels:

Worth-less (adj.) 1. Without worth; of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing;

That's the decorative towel to a tee.  It is a towel that can't be used as a towel is used.  You might as well have decorative toothbrushes that you can't brush your teeth with. Or a decorative toddler that you can't train to bring you things.

Now, to be perfectly frank, I don't suppose I'm doing anything groundbreaking by complaining about decorative towels.  I'm sure I'm neither the first nor the last to comment on the uselessness of decorative towels. But this blog is devoted to worthlessness in all its forms, regardless of popularity.

So with that...

To decorative towels, the wisdom teeth of household accoutrements!